


Mama Knows Best

by Coffeedormous



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Gen, M/M, we all need more ferengi suffragettes amIright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 21:12:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8029120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coffeedormous/pseuds/Coffeedormous
Summary: Ishka comes to DS9 to gather public support for the cause of ferengi fe-males equality movement. Quark's having a not so good very bad day. Or is he?





	Mama Knows Best

**Author's Note:**

> I seriously am surprised nobody wrote something like this yet. Or maybe I haven't found it, hm.  
> LLAP to the gorgeous fandom of Quodo, may there be a lot of beautiful fics there. Here's my share.

Quark was tending his bar and looking over his dominion. It was a quiet night. Couple of dabo players were steadily loosing their money, so, not a complete waste of the evening. Few tired Starfleet officers here and there, some extremely boring law-abiding merchants with no exotic goods to buy from them. The only lively spot was the table on the upper level, where the station’s doctor was having a heated discussion with his cardassian companion about some romulan writer. Well, discussion is too strong a word, Quark thought. The lizard was all but eating the oblivious doctor with his eyes and so passionatly disagreeing with his every word, it was embarrassing, really.

“Some people,” Quark said absent-mindedly to ever-present Morn, “some people just can’t take the hint.”

At this very moment Quark heard some disturbance at the door, and as he turned to greet new guests, he saw his mother, fully clothed, of course, walking into his bar. To his sheer horror, it was not, apparently, the end of his miseries. Because after her trailed a group of other ferengi fe-males, all of them clothed, with some kind of big paper rolls in their hands. Quark felt like the station’s artificial gravity was cut off.

Ishka ushered her disciples into the room. She sized up the place in one business-like glance, and smiled with satisfaciton.

“Well, I think this will do nicely, girls. Roll out our banners and prepare, just as we rehearsed. And Sathyn, stop fiddling with your dress, no, it does _not_ look better with bared shoulders, for the love of the Great Cashier, we _discussed_ this.”

Quark seemed to have recovered a bit, and was now starting towards his mother with a determination of a man who had nothing to lose. Ishka had also noticed him.

“Quark, dear, how have you been?” she smiled.

“How have I...mugi, what are you _doing_ here?! Who are those shameless fe-males, isn’t it enough that you embarrass me coming at the station clothed on a regular basis? No, you had to drag here some sort of a...what are those, anyway?” He unrolled one of the big pieces of paper women were apparently displaying around the room. “What the..”

“These and our statements, Quark, and this,” - she gestured to the room, “is a rally to gather the intergalactic support to our cause. I think you’re bright enough to figure out what our cause is. Now, if you excuse me, I have to get..”

“Arrrrgh! This is it, mother, I’m calling security! If you’re determined to make my life miserable, I sure am not gonna just sit there!” Quark run to the wall panel and slammed the comm button.

“Quark to Odo! Emergency, constable! Come quickly!” After a beat or two a grumpy voice replied:

“What is it, Quark? It better be real, or else I...”

“Illegal political gathering in my bar! These...protesters, rebels, scoundrels, nothing has been agreed, I never gave any permission..” Quark furiously babbled on.

“Slow down, Quark. I’m gonna be there, _when I am free_.”

“But it’s your job! You can’t..I need you _now_!”

“Odo out.” said constable with a poorly concealed content.

 

After a couple of minutes of angry rampaging through the bar, trying (and failing) to confiscate the banners, and some poor attempts to excuse the "situation" in front of the customers, Quark finally saw the much expected constable, strolling in with a pace of a man who didn’t have a care in the world. Quark rushed to his side.

“Finally! It has been _ages_ , Odo, I could’ve been killed, abused, robbed..”

“Well I’m here now, Quark, and you look just fine. What seems to be the problem? Ladies.” He nodded a greeting to Ishka and other women.

“Ladies?! Odo. This is exactly the problem. Can’t you see...”

“Ah, yes, lovely ferengi traditions, but I’m afraid I can’t arrest them for being clothed on a  _bajoran_  station, Quark. Even you could’ve figured that out.”

“But that’s not all! Look! They’re planning some sort of...demonstration!”

Odo looked at the women more closely and put on his stern expression. “Is this true, madam?” he addressed Ishka, who seemed to be rather enjoying all this.

“Well, not a demonstration, exactly, but, yes, in a manner of speaking it is true.”

“I’m afraid that as much as it pains me to say so, Quark is in his right.” He answered with a sigh. “You cannot use this space without his permission, and you also cannot hold any political gatherings without the approval of the station’s commander. I’m sure captain Sisko will approve all this if you just schedule a proper meeting with him and explain your goals.”

To the end of this speech Quark’s initial joy has died out a bit, but he still was glaring at the women victoriously from behind Odo’ back.

“Heard’im, you shameless creatures! Roll up your banners, now!”

“Oh well,” sighed Ishka, sitting down at the bar, “we’ll postpone it, then, until I talk to your captain. In the meantime, we can all have a nice drink. Come on, girls, drinks are on my son today!” She shouted to the other women, who promptly let go of their banners and scattered about the room, ordering drinks.

Quark covered up his head and slugged to his place behind the bar. Odo, who was in appallingly good spirits, patted him on the shoulder with a mock sympathy. Ishka, who had already helped herself to a glass of andorian brandy, looked him up and down and said:

“Constable, do join us! I’d love to talk to somebody who doesn’t find my sole presence here offensive.”

Odo hesitated, but joined her at the bar. Quark was not sure if the presence of Odo gave him the feeling of security or the dread of the fact that his mother and Odo might actually team up against him. He proceeded to clean the clean glasses and look away.

“So,” Ishka smiled at Odo, “I take it you know my son well? Are you his friend?”

“Ha!" Odo harrumped. "Do I know him, madam! He’s the most awe..” Odo stopped, as if thinking something over, and then, with a feral glare sent to Quark’s direction, he stretched his lips in a most weird and broad smile the poor bartender ever saw. “...most.. awesome person I know, madam. Dear friend, as honest as they come, and a big help in fighting crime, too!”

Somewhere during this speech Quark forgot he was holding something in his hands, and the bottle of silurian brandy was already on its way to meet the floor, when Odo graciously extended one of his arms into a tentacle, caught it just centimeters from the floor, and then presented it back to Quark, who was still staring at him in disbelief.

“Here you go, _mate_.” The changeling said with the same grin.

***

On the upper level Julian Bashir looked worried.

“Garak, is something the matter?”

“Mhm..I don’t believe so, my dear, why do you ask?”

“You’ve stopped shouting at me. And I made at least one point that sounded very disagreeable to your vision of the novel. What are you looking at down there, anyway?”

“Oh, Doctor, I do apologize. It’s just there’s rarely such a commotion at the bar. Most intriguing. Now, where were we..?”

***

When all the fe-males were assigned guest quarters and a meeting with Sisko was scheduled, Ishka finally conceded to leave her poor son alone and retire to sleep. Quark, exhausted and horrified at the amount of unpaid liquor that was consumed this evening, waited until the door shut behind her and looked Odo dead in the eye.

“And what was that all about?”

“Whatever do you mean, Quark?” asked Odo with an innocent expression.

“What do I mean! Chatting with my mother like you’re her old girlfriend, for starters!”

“Well, your mother happens to be a charming woman, unlike yourself. How is that human proverb goes, ‘nature rests on the offspring of the great?’”

“Ah, fine, go marry her for all I care, but what was all this business with you pretending to be my _friend_?”

“I just figured that you’re embarrassed enough as it is and it won’t do to upset your mother with an accurate description of your affairs.”

Quark broke out in a high-pitched and quite goblinish laughter.

“Oh, Odo, that’s ah, very nice of you, but you sure didn’t learn anything about ferengi culture during all there years if you thought for a second my mother would care about my illegal transactions. She would’ve praised me for my business mind!”

Odo inclined his head in a very birdlike manned and moved to hover a bit over Quark.

“That might well be, but do you think she would be as accepting if she learned just how badly you treat your dabo-girls? That you grope them every chance you get and that they get paid scarcely anything at all, compared to the profits they make you?”

That seemed to reach Quark. He even shrunk a bit under Odo’s look.

“That’s...not true! And not a big deal, anyway..” he uttered, not at all convinced of his own words.

“Well, in that case you wouldn't mind if I inform Ishka of my take on the matter first thing tomorrow morning.”

“Gahh..” hissed Quark in response. “Odo, I thought you said we’re friends.”

“And I thought you were surprised to hear it. Well, I guess you were right.”

Quark seem to grasp the matter at hand and took up a business look.

“Okey, you win. What do you want?”

Odo smiled at him as a snake would smile at a mouse. Quark did look a bit like a terran mouse, he was told. And he himself was perfectly capable of turning into a snake, if he felt like it.

“Nothing now, Quark. But you owe me a _favour_. Or favours, plural, I haven’t decided yet. So, next time you’ll try to arrange something illegal on this station, think of you mother, Quark. _Think hard_.”

Still smiling, Odo left defeated Quark and exited the now empty bar.

***

Next morning for Quark started with a persistent chime of his door at the truly ungodly hour. When he dragged himself to open it, Ishka, in a different and very elaborate dress, stepped into the room as it was her own.

“Mugi, it’s 8.00 in the morning! What now?!”

“Living in space is not an excuse to lay in bad all day, Quark. I have a meeting with Sisko in an hour. Help me put on these lobe rings. Do you think they’re appropriate for a business breakfast, dear? I fear they’re a bit too much.”

Quark disgruntedly levelled the chains and pendants on her head and admitted that the lobe rings looked rather well.

“Ah, thank you dear. I’m sure captain is a reasonable man, but I’m still a bit nervous. Do you think he’ll agree to allow our enterprise?”

“I hope not! He could well create a diplomatic incident with the Ferengi government, you know! But,” Quark added in a lower voice, “if you managed to sway even Odo to your side, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sisko agrees.”

“That charming man, the constable!” she exclaimed, looking herself over in the full-body mirror. “Pity you’re so traditional and narrow-minded, Quark. You’d never look at anyone unless they’re a placid spineless female, and Grand Cashier forbid they wear any clothes.”

Quark seemed hurt. “I’ve dated a cardassian woman, you know! That’s as far from placid as you can possibly get!”

“Well, as I understand she grew tired of you bossing her around, and a good thing she did dumping your sorry behind, too. No, you need someone with a firmer stance, someone to keep you in check.”

Now Quark look confused. “What are you saying, mugi?”

“Well what I’m saying is that for some reason that man is head over heels for you, and if you don’t see it you’re as dumb as your father was.”

“Mugi!”

“What? He was! Good man, but no lobes for business, - or anything else, I might add.”

“May he rest in the Grand Heavenly Treasury in peace, but are you insane? Odo hates me!”

“I thought he said he was a friend of yours.”

“Ah, well, he is, but, you know. Anyway, you must be going now, Sisko is waiting.” He pushed her to the door. “Come on, good luck on your business breakfast. Off you go.”

“Going, I’m going, Quark, but don’t think I’ll let this slide. See you later.” She gracefully vanished.

Quark sat on his bed and stared onto his dumbfounded expression in the full-body mirror.

“Well, damn.” He said to his reflection.

***

Sisko has, of course, approved the rally. Something as disgustingly hu-man as all this equality talk – how could he not. Moreover, everyone got so excited about it that what was devised as a rogue picket turned into a station-wide Day of Equality. All that Day Quark spent in his bar, which was completely empty of all personnel, as they all have been granted compulsory leave by Sisko, and an invitation to attend the talks and presentations prepared by his mother. Quark never left his hiding place, and only sent Morn into the enemy lines to observe and report back to him. The reports were lengthy and loquacious, as all Morn’s communications, and after half an hour of colourful description of the festivities and pleasantries exchanged Quark gave up and shut him up with a pint of talassian eel ale.

Around 18.00 Quark looked around the still empty bar. “Well, this has gone long enough!” He grunted and hit the comm panel.

“Quark to captain Sisko.”

“Yes, Quark, what is it?”

“Captain, I understand that you’re all in this...celebration of yours, but what about my personnel? I need to work the bar!"

Quark heard Sisko talking with someone else, and then the captain replied in a cheerful voice:

“Don’t worry, Quark, you’re gonna have a good profit tonight. We’re holding a celebratory reception at your place! Your ferengi employees are heading to you now. They all volunteered to cover the evening by themselves, and if I see a single girl working the tables today I’ll request Mr. Garak’s services regarding your persona. Do we have an understanding, Quark?”

“Ughh.”

“What was that?”

“Yes, captain, clear as day on bloody Riza. Looking forward to seeing you all here. Quark out.”

***

At the end of the day Sisko was right – profit-wise, at least, Quarks had no cause to complain. The bar was full of people, they laughed and drank their share, and even the dabo tables seemed to work fine without the girls tending to them. After several hours of mingling, however, his mother has proclaimed that there’s no good party without the dance floor, and to Quark’s disappointment the tables were taken away to make room for the tipsy customers to sway to the music. After a few songs he got a bit calmer, seeing that the dancing induced a good healthy thirst in his customers.

His mother detached herself from Sisko and Kira with whom she was talking most of the evening, and announced loundly:

“Constable, would you be so gracious as to dance with the old woman?”

Quark screwed his eyes at Odo, whom he was successfully avoiding all evening. Odo looked pleasantly uncomfortable and tried to protest, but Ishka could easily compete with Lwaxana Troi in persistence, and very soon Odo was dragged to the dance floor and was making his best not to step on her toes. Quark was all relishing in Odo’s misery and feeling rightfully avenged, when after one song ended Ishka raised her voice again, still promptly clasping the changeling’s arm to prevent escape.

“Quark, dear, come her for a minute.” All the gloating gone, Quark reluctantly obeyed.

“What is it, mugi?”

“I’m suddenly feeling very tired. I’ll go sit over there, but I’ve promised the constable three dances, so you have to cover for me.”

Quark let off an angry hiss. Odo made a surprised wobble and started to protest.

“Not a word from either of you! Constable, you agreed to dance _for_ me, what’s it matter if it is with me or not. Quark, you little toad, behave. I’m watching you.”

She laid Odo’s sluggish hand on Quark's shoulder and retired to the seats, where the disheveled Garak was fussing around Bashir, whom he apparently spinned half to death in bolian waltz.

Almost physically aware of his mother’s glare, Quark sighed nervously and stepped closed to Odo, pulling him into the dancing position. Odo continued to produce some sort of a low growl.

“Quaaark..”

“Oh stop it already, Odo, like it was my idea.”

“You owe me twice for this.”

“I owe you?! Do you have any idea what this’ll do to my reputation?!”

“She’s _your_ mother.”

“Yes, well, nobody’s perfect.”

After five minutes of silent stumbling around Quark gave up.

“For someone who can shapeshift himself a pair of additional legs you sure are lousy at dancing, Odo. I thought Lwaxana did a better job on you.”

“I didn’t exactly complied,” Odo grunted.

“Well you’re gonna comply now. Come on, work these legs a bit for me, will you, here, just...follow my lead. No, not that leg, you big useless sack of goo, like this. Better, yes.”

“Quark?”

“Mm?”

“How is it you know how to dance?”

Quark puffed his lips a bit, feigning indignation.

“All ferengi males are excellent dancers.”

“Aha. Waltz, though?”

“Shut up and dance.”

“You’re enjoying it, you scoundrel!”

“Shut up or I tell mugi I’m madly in love with you, and she won’t leave the station until she gets Sisko to marry us.”

“Quaaark!...”

“I mean it, shut up and move your hideous legs.”

***

Sisko, relaxed and content with the evening, came over to Ishka, who was comfortably nursing her drink and looking at the dancing pairs. She saluted him with her glass and gestured to Quark and Odo, who were now spinning around the dance floor with a considerably improved grace.

“Parenting,” she said with a pleased grin. “Never too late to whip some sense into them little ones, am I right?”

**Author's Note:**

> There's an [illustration](http://phocadormiens.tumblr.com/post/150316347309) to this because apparently I can't help writing and drawing all my DS9 ship dancing.


End file.
